Friday, February 29, 2008

Elizabeth Bathory:The Blood Countess

I enjoy reading horrible books. Very badly written books. I'm not alone. Anything to do with vampires, people who morph into animals, sex, murder, pregnancy and the south - I'm in. The trick to reading them is to pretend you are on a date and you just want to have sex. Like when the person is talking about their dull life, they're just so uninteresting, you nod and smile and just hope that their penis is really big or if you're into girls, just hope she doesn't have too much cellulite on her ass, that really grosses you out.
The good parts. Once you get to the good parts, take your time. Read over your favorite paragraphs. Don't be shy. This is what you came for, enjoy it.
As far as character development goes, don't feel bad about not investing too much. Just pick one and stick with that, it's enough. A good bad writer knows this and probably overdeveloped one character to a point where you can't even pay attention to the other characters. When they talk, you're like, "Wait. What was that? I really shouldn't be drunk while I'm reading this."
The plot. In order to follow a very badly written plot, keep in mind, self indulgence will lead you nowhere. Sure, the plot is what keeps you reading, but don't expect any results. In the end it will only disappoint you. Once you finish reading a bad book you must wait at least 30 days reading something useful before you start another. It might make you sick to read two bad books back to back! If you turn reading into a mindless, shallow act it will undoubtedly become less fulfilling. Eventually, you won't even remember the last book you read! Books will begin to all look the same to you, just a fuzzy merging of titles and cheap illustrations. Obviously, I speak from personal experience and I feel fortunate none of the authors have my phone number.
Lastly, please remember to wear a condom. You don't want to get any sexually transmitted denouements!

Excerpt from good bad book I'm reading now:

Elizabeth Bathory: The Blood Countess
"Slipping swiftly behind her like a knife blade into a deerskin sheath, the puppeteer said,"Your devoted slave is here, Countess." Without speaking a word, Johannes, still holding her hand, bent over the outer rim of the fountain. He wore a short tunic that barely covered his behind, and velvet leggings just like Elizabeth's. The Gypsy pulled these down, revealing the boy's white buttocks. He then undid his cloak and guided something that looked to Elizabeth like a small roast between Johannes's buttocks. She was still holding Johannes's hand when he tightened it over hers so hard she thought it would break. She reached for the Gypsy's round flesh with her other hand. It was warm, covered with fine velvety skin, finer than the texture of her tights. She parted the slit at the top of it, and a drop of thick, slippery substance met her finger. She rubbed it between thumb and forefinger. She then felt under Johannes's robe and drew the tip of her wet finger around the tiny puckered flower at the center of his buttocks. She then guided the Gypsy's manhood to the place and held on to it until it slipped between her fingers and buried itself into the boy. The sensation of touching the two boys made Elizabeth very warm, as if a small flame, beginning at the center of her spine, had shut suddenly upward, filling her brain. Her mouth was dry, and her boyish tights clung to her legs with her own wetness. At the center of this delicious sensation there was also a thought: if this is what I can make happen because I am Countess Bathory, think of all that I may experience in the future. I am only eleven years old now, and I know very little about pleasure."

Your welcome. I read this last night in my bedroom, with the lights on!
Elizabeth Bathory is a bad ass, literately.

Friday, February 15, 2008

How to Skip Church by Beth Heinly (F-)

1. When leaving the house say good bye to parents. Do not look
them in eye, they might know what you're up to.

2. Walk in the general direction of church.

3. While walking to church, think of areas around church you could hide out for an hour.
Somewhere safe and secluded where no adults would be suspicious of your activity.
ie: park, train tracks, parking lot

4. Make sure you bring a book to read or if you were unable to smuggle one out of the house
try to think of things you can day dream about for an hour. Preferably, for day dreaming, go
to a park with streams of water. You can stare at streams of water and throw rocks into them.

5. Approximately 45 minutes into your hiding, you need to head back to the church.

6. Sneak in quietly. If you made it back at the perfect time there will be music and people
rushing out. If not, I suggest waiting out front until you hear this. This distraction is vital.

7. By the door there will be pamphlets covered in advertisements for local businesses. This may
seem insignificant to you, but it is your alibi. Grab one!

8. On your walk home try to think of masses you went to before. Remember the homily? This
is something your parents will ask you about as you hand them the pamphlet.

9. For those of you who are stumped and can not make up a gospel. Use this one, it works
every time. And remember these key words, "New Testament". THE HOMILY IS ALWAYS
FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT. Knowing this fact will avoid any further interrogation no
matter what bullshit story you make up from the bible. AND here is my favorite I use:
"From the book of John. 'Jesus is the light and the grass and the streams. He is everywhere
all around us. So, there's really no need to go to church. Those who truly live through me
are conscious everyday and could die at any moment.' Amen."
*But I would only use this one for your last day at church.

10. If by some chance you chicken out, do not sit down. Stand in the back the entire time.
Try to walk in and out during mass. Their are usually rooms with pamphlets and candles.
The pamphlets are humorous reading, very entertaining. The candles are pretty to look
at. While looking at them, make up stories like, "How to Make a Saint With Fake Miracles".

11. If approached by a priest complaining about, "How you're not sitting down and you keep
walking in and out of church during mass." Just tell him, "Jesus doesn't want you to be
sitting down. And he wants you to come and go as you please." If he says, "I don't believe
you.", say,"I completely understand how you feel."
*But I would only use this one for your last day at church.

12. Lastly, the most important thing you need to know about, "How to Skip Church" is:
For the rest of your life, always remember, "You're going to hell."

Monday, February 11, 2008

Who's the Boss?

"Time has nothing to do with life, but it's full of it." This ran through my head while watching "Who's the Boss?". A show I had no idea I watched so much of until on a quest for nostalgia I sat on the couch and turned on the T.V.
In a flash, the entire "Who's the Boss?" synopsis came back to me. It hit me, I watched "Who's the Boss?" when I was little, a lot. Angela and Tony are two extremely attractive people that seem, if the opportunity arose, would have the worst sex in the history of time. So, they never have sex and when they finally do, their show gets canceled, the world ends. I remember, it was 1992 and I was eleven, "What the Fuck?". Of course, the lines of time are somewhat construed because of syndication, but I know in high school and my later years in grade school, my nightly time slots were taken by "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" and "Dawson's Creek", that's right. So here I am at 26 and I had no idea my brain was full of all this worthless information about "Who's the Boss?". That's when that thought about time rang in my ear. While I was busy being middle class (white trash) watching television I could have been reading. I could have been playing. I feel dumb. I feel stupid. How the fuck do I know so much about "Who's the Boss?"? There's cartoons there too. Growing Pains, Facts of Life. And Full House. Are you kidding? That house was huge. They had plants in their hallway. I even watched "The Andy Griffith Show" because I watched Nickelodeon, which lead to Nick at Nite. That's two mother fucking abbreviated words. "Talk about your double speak." When I die, one of the last electric pulses released into nothing will be a snippet of a Tony and Angela make-out scene mixed in with Angela's mom, Mona and her old lady boobs, gross. Though I really hope Babar is there, what a nice elephant.
And now in my disgusted and depressed state I am writing a "blog". I've planned to end with, read a book, but FUCK. FUCK. This is not some random old person year, 1912. This is 2008, mother fuckers. This subject is as tired as 1912, fuck that. We are all just animals being molded by each other in some dim fate that some are born into power and some are not. Read a book.
I saw a pro-life bumper sticker: "Life is a gift, not a choice." It's funny because, wow, life is not a choice and time is money and knowledge is power.


"Last Thought"
Who is the boss?