Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Sharp Shooter

New comic from the 3:00 book. Sharp shooter gets fired. Merry Christmas!

read more | digg story

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

SICK [COMIC]

New comic from the 3:00 book about being sick vs. healthy.....

read more | digg story

Thursday, December 11, 2008

In the future, again [COMIC]

In the future people walk their computers and pick names they think are clever for them.

read more | digg story

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

TD

It's a new long winded comic from the 3:00 book.

read more | digg story

Saturday, November 22, 2008

In the Future.......[COMIC]

Another new one from the 3:00 book. If you have not read our comics before I should warn you. My humor is strange. Sometimes, really strange. This one is strange. If you are looking for something different while browsing web comics, this is the place. Our comics are most definitely original, due to strangeness.

read more | digg story

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

White Gulit vs. Bradley Effect [COMIC]

A 3:00 news report debunking the reports that polls are wrong due to Bradley Effect. Get out and VOTE - Prove old people wrong!!!!!!!!!

read more | digg story

White Gulit vs. Bradley Effect [COMIC]

A 3:00 news report debunking the reports that polls are wrong due to Bradley Effect. Get out and VOTE - Prove old people wrong!!!!!!!!!

read more | digg story

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

SUSPENDED!



We are experiencing technical difficulties. For now, I will be posting new comics on the 3:00 blog. I'm sure everything will be back to normal by next week. I hope by friday - I wrote a Halloween comic! I also apologize if this note is not clever and funny.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

How to Draw the North American Union

New comic from 3:00 book. Want to know how to draw the North American Union in 3 easy steps!!!???

read more | digg story

Thursday, October 9, 2008

North American Union



I believe that what we are experiencing currently with our failed economy is the inevitable convincing needed for public approval:

From msnbc:
"A runaway train of a sell-off turned the anniversary of the stock market peak into one of the darkest days in Wall Street history Thursday, driving the Dow Jones industrials down a breathtaking 679 points and deepening a financial crisis that has defied all efforts to stop it. Stocks lost more than 7 percent, $872 billion of investments evaporated, and the Dow fell to 8,579. When the average crashed through the 9,000 level for the first time in five years in the final hour of trading, sellers had only begun to hit the gas pedal.As bad as the day was, even worse was the cumulative effect of a historic run of declines: The Dow suffered a triple-digit loss for the sixth day in a row, a first, and the average dropped for the seventh day in a row, a losing streak not seen since 2002."


This financial crisis will lead our people, the people of the United Sates of America to agree, without revolution, in the North American Union. Am I the only one to remember how much republicans hate Mexicans? And now, Bush passes this open border policy? The "amero" the otherwise lamer name referring to the"euro" will be our new currency. And not only that! Our Declaration of Independence will be gone. Who are we kidding? It has been gone. With one Union comes one Bank - does that frighten anyone? I think we should think globally, but currency is corrupt today. Giving it more power over more people with indefinitely make us more of the slaves we are currently, TODAY. Now is a perfect time for our government to pull this kind of bullshit. American people, "Oh, no! Who am I going to vote for?" How many presidential debates will we watch on t.v. without seeing coverage on this very important subject?

This is what President George W. Bush had to say about the North American Union:

"Americans are going to remain Americans, Canadians are going to remain Canadians and Mexicans are going to remain Mexicans,"

What the fuck does that mean? Are you kidding, you asshole!? I am sick of these fucking statements that do not answer questions. They use nouns as if they were explanation enough of my rights!

What if on November 4th, no one voted? We have seen the popular vote does not count, but we ignored it. President George W. Bush has been accused of far worse things than a blow job and yet he has not been even threatened with impeachment. He wasn't even elected!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if not voting would show we have no faith in this supposed "government" that rules our society. I wonder if not voting would be a peaceful act in revolution. I am sending this post into the void of cyberspace, a desperate plea. Now's the time.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Laurence Fishburne [COMIC]

For the love of Laurence Fishburne, a comic called, Laurence Fishburne.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Night Sky [COMIC]

New comic from the 3:00 book that illustrates what the sky looks like at night time.We digg our own stuff.

read more | digg story

Friday, September 26, 2008

Political Non Political Statement

We, at the 3:00 book, choose not to make political statements. Here, at the 3:00 book, we feel political statements were created in order to cause fear and chaos among the people. Currently, in the United States we are facing an awesome and terrible moment within our economic structure. We are falling, spiraling down a path to certain destruction. The Second Depression is upon us, like Jesus. Making
jokes concerning these types of psychological torture would be just too mean, cruel and easy. I mean, we could make u laugh at whatever we wanted. Through using fear we might even get you to buy something, but what we at the, 3:00 book, are trying to sell you is, FREEDOM. Don't worry. Debt consolidation will save us. Soon we will have a NEW president!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A World Without Coke [COMIC]

New comic from the 3:00 book. Imagine a world without Coke, if you can.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Serial Killer [COMIC]

Serial Killer Caution Sign.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Son Las Tres [COMIC]

Beth and Maureen venture through a Spanish textbook.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Motivational Poster Motivational Poster [COMIC]

New comic from the 3:00 book entitled, "Motivational Poster Motivational Poster". It's a motivational poster about motivational posters.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

3:00 Book REVIEW!!!!

Just last week, the 3:00 book was picked to be published in Philadelphia's City Paper's Comics Issue. I just want to take a moment to say, thank you, to Patrick Rapa and the whole CP crew, for picking us. Since getting this little slice of fame, the 3:00 book has been receiving A LOT of acclaim! Here are just a few!

Jesse Valentine says.........
"Okay... yeah i saw the one with the Count. As a big fan of the muppets, i can't say thay i was impressed. Purely political, you understand. I checked out the website, too. A lot of it's over my head, sad to say.
But i haven't had a chance to take in the whole site, just the comics.
Good luck with your projects. Seems like the 3 o clock book is a labor of love."

"silverbullet" says.........
"wow, these are some of the worst comics I've ever seen!! god forbid citypaper actually print work by actual cartoonists rather than the inane doodles that some idiot scribbled on a bar napkin??
thanks again, citypaper, for firmly redefining philadelphia as the most comics-retarded city in the entire country."

Jack Gehringer from sittinginthetubwiththeshoweron.com says.........
"wow you suck."

Check out the full article HERE:
http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2008/08/14/oh-subverted-world

Eat Shit 2

Our second comic about eating shit.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

S.C.C. [COMIC]

New comic from the 3:00 book that investigates the mysterious happenings; spontaneous human combustion, celebrity and law suits.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Batman Movie Review [COMIC]

OMG! Another Batman Movie Review! New comic from the 3:00 book. Digg if you saw this movie.........

read more | digg story

Monday, August 4, 2008

Dear 3:00 book,

Today I want to make a fake sticker bush using stickers. Earlier, I found these stickers for a dollar at my local CVS store. They're of Hannah Montana. I'm going to cut them up in the shape of leaves. I also have the standard stickers: hearts, cats, flowers and chickens. I'll cut those up too. I'll use paper bags for the branches. I got tape. I have wire.

Love,
Beth

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Public Announcement Poster [COMIC]

Cut to the chase, a public announcement warning parents about the dangers of babies and alcohol. New comic from the 3:00 book.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

BEING SKINNY IS EASY!

The 3:00 book advertises a new all natural and organic diet. It can be so easy to be skinny! NEW comic from the 3:00 book.

read more | digg story

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Check it: NEW! Philosophy with Stoners

A comic that talks about philosophy and comedy that in no way makes sense......unless you're high.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Plaid Blanket

There's hunchbacks. Some people have hunchbacks. New comic from the 3:00 book.

read more | digg story

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Delphinic Zoophile Chat Room

We're perverts. Ever wonder what it would be like to have internet sex with a dolphin? New comic from the 3:00 book.

read more | digg story

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Funny Grocery List

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ride of Silence [PHILADELPHIA]

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Yesterday in memory of my friend, George Gonzalez, I rode my bike in silence with many other Philadelphians who lost a loved one in a bicycling accident. The "Ride of Silence" is an internationally organized 12mph bike ride that forces the public to recognize, "Share the road" mentality. I'd like to talk about honestly what I experienced while riding the 8 mile trek through Center City. First off, I couldn't help but break at red lights provoking motorists (especially cabs) much angst and frustration. I know it is immature, but hell, it felt good considering. I did talk a couple of times, sorry. I rode with George in spirit, which resulted in taking the happening in stride, breathing and enjoying the scenery. Thanks, George. Riding in silence with hundreds of people makes a powerful sound. All you hear are pedals. The funniest part of the whole venture was at one point someone nearly got "doored". Anyone who even only occasionally rides their bike in the city has had a doored or near doored experience. It's terrifying. Considering there were hundreds of us riding with police escorts trailing behind a large sign encrypted "NO MORE BIKE DEATHS" - you'd think that ignorant mother fucker would have seen us coming!? That's funny. At the end there was a speech. Looking around I noticed all the different people who had come to honor a loved one, there were a lot of us. Some people were serious looking bicyclist, with all the required gear. Others were not wearing helmets. I was a not wearing helmet person. Some bike messenger types. People were smoking. People were old. Everyone seemed to like riding their bike. The worst part was after the speech when we were asked to raise our bikes for 45 seconds if we had lost our friend/family member in a bicycling accident in the last 12 months. Nearly everyone did. It's scary how much people don't pay attention. George was 26 years old when he died. A good person I would have liked to know longer.
For more info go here: http://www.rideofsilence.org/
AND this blog is local: http://bcgp.blogspot.com

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I HEART BOB, 3:00 book comic

New comic from the 3:00 book. Boob pun with Bob Barker.

read more | digg story

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

"Why I Didn't Vote Yesterday" by Beth Heinly

I have voted in every election, primary, what have you, since I turned eighteen years old. My dad made me do it, he's republican. The last time I participated in a fair and exciting! election where I actually felt I had made a difference was in the 2nd grade. Dukakis won. Since that time I have seen two full term republican presidents, one lame ass term republican president and one democratic president nearly impeached for getting a blow job. People.....men love blow jobs. Ladies.....men cheat on girls. It's true. Men.....women cheat too. Yes. And does anybody remember when the president we voted for didn't get elected? Does anybody remember Al Gore NOT fighting for our votes? If a presidential candidate is helpless in fighting for his votes where does that leave us? WTF? And what president Clinton had to go through while in office is shocking! I can remember watching him during the impeachment process describe M.L.'s vagina. Who was making him waste his time? It seemed like the public was for it, but it always seems that way. It reminds me of George Orwell's 1984 when crowds of people ministerially spoke in unison, numb to what was actually being said, propaganda at it's finest: vocal. I wanted to vote for the independent candidates in the last two elections, but I was afraid. I was terrified of republicans. Anyone who wants the constitution to stay just the way it was written over two hundred years ago seems a bit backward to me. I was told, "Al Gore will lose votes!" "Kerry will lose votes!" The best you can do is vote locally; mayor, senate, house of representatives, etc., which rarely has a third party running. This year it seems for presidential candidate third party we have Ron Paul (who was a Regan supporter) and Ralph Nader with running mate Matt Gonzalez (from San Francisco). Nuff' said. Seriously, check them out. From 2nd grade to now my political understanding and views have not changed much. I have never been able to break through the bullshit. It seems to me political repartee consists of symbols thrown back and forth between masses of people both, visually and vocally, having no concept of how the symbols work, but instead intuitively pick one and go with it, which inherently demands my involvement. Well, not this year because I don't know. Because we live in houses with cars and work at jobs with clothes forgetting about the ideal where community comes before the individual. I'm not suggesting giving away our precious possessions. I'm suggesting we think less about them. With that extra time we might be able to, together, stop the corrupt campaigning that dominates elections and sways votes with empty phrases. I walked out of my house yesterday and found litter on my front step, more than usual. Paper with phrases like, "Vote!", "Pro-Choice!", "Pro-Life!", "Peace!", "Hope!", "Change!". Perfect ways of giving a citizen information without telling them anything and littering at the same time. More trash, junk, pollution and jobs for people who work in the paper business.
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Q. Most useful trash?
A. Rubberband.

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Got my neighbors, everyone is affected.

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This one got it's period.

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Woman-man candidates, for those voters who are unsure which gender better serves them.

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Dickher.

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"O-BAMA! O-BAMA! Got my DICK in yo' ear!"

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I shit on your face, Hilary Clitoris!

http://www.votenader.org/
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/

YOUR VOTE DOESN'T COUNT!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

American Flag

"Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag."
"Really? I bought mine. Yeah, they sell 'em at K-Mart."
"He died in Korea!"
"Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in Korea."

-Bill Hicks

It's always good to start with a quote. Why? It's a little easier to get people to agree with you when someone else's opinion leads the way. Do I need your opinion to agree with mine? No. Wow, I guess I really blew my opening. Since posting this video I have had people tell me they hope my cat, Zion, gets hit by a car, hope also that I get hit by a car or hope that I burn in a fire. Well, I'm glad because "hope" is a perfect thing to feel when you know you have no control over a situation. You just sit in your little ignorant houses and hope the war works out, hope that you don't find yourself a victim in a drug war, hope terrorism doesn't come to your neighborhood, hope your vote counts, or maybe hope that discrimination won't turn out too poorly in your favor. Sometimes you need to get a rise out of people to get them to think.

My "American Flag" video was taken down from break.com, it got flagged. I did not intend to have to write an artist's statement for this piece, but considering the circumstances, I am now. On break.com my video got around 3oo views with 14 comments. The comments were great and I appreciate everyone who posted them. Those comments are gone now, so please post here your opinions good or bad and we'll see how long they stay.

What I love about this video is the three distinctive symbols that get my point across. It's simple:

1. American Flag: symbol of the United States government
2. Zion: my cat, symbol of me, United States citizen
3. Catnip: symbol of drugs in the United States

In controlling the situation I was able to establish my feelings on the issue of the cannabis plant being illegal to be grown, possessed or inhaled by anyone, excluding medicinal (in some cases), within the United States. My feelings:

1. Anger
2. Laughter

I love this country, I love all countries. We are in this together not as a nation, but as a world called, Earth. People have also expressed that I'm lucky I live in a country where I can desecrate the flag in an act of protest. I am not lucky. It has nothing to do with luck. Are the times that sad where it's considered "lucky" to be free to express my opinion? Obviously, we do. Let's not hope any longer. Let's act. It's as simple as pulling together symbols from the collective consciousness and getting people to talk about the issues. If we and by we I mean; the poor, discriminated, minorities, sheep are able to sway headlines based on our short attention spans let's sway them on issues that provoke change and not on what is wanted from us, which is ignorance. One change I would like to see is innocent people being freed from jail on charges related to the cannibis plant. It's a law put there to put minorities in jail. It's a law put there to keep a large part of America from rising up and getting a piece of the pie we all deserve. I want us all to be equal, which is what our constitution is all about. Sometimes it takes great love to criticize. Saddest of all is the argument that it's wrong to use American flag in an act of protest because that suggests that the object is infallible, that the American government is infallible. Nothing created by humanity is infallible.

http://norml.org/
http://www.fbi.gov/ucr/cius2006/index.html
http://www.billhicks.com/
http://www.esquilax.com/flag/
http://www.freedomforum.org

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Cabbage Patch Kids and the New Social Order

PhotobucketI love medicated chap stick. I love medicated chap stick because it smells like cabbage patch kids. That new plastic mixed with baby powder. Olfactory reception is said to be the strongest sense of memory. So, while applying medicated chap stick to my lips, breathing in the vapors, nosetalgia hit. My first cabbage patch doll was named, Sue, after my mom. Sue was a tough kid, I had to beat her a lot to get her to behave. My grandmom had one named, Thomas, who was younger than Sue. I was never allowed to play with Thomas. "He's not for playing." He had the cutest little sweat suit with bright white gym shoes. Finally, I got my own bald cabbage patch, his name was Tyler. Way more precious than Thomas and younger too. Sue was getting to be too much to handle and eventually I made her sleep in my parents bedroom until my mom let me throw her out. Then there were preemies.

I remember the commercial when they first came out. They were in those adorable plastic incubators! The nurses gently picked the petite baby up and put them in the little girls arms saying, "Be careful. Preemies need extra love and attention." Maybe my memory is skewed, but I swear that little girl was crying from happiness. I couldn't wait to have my own preemie. I never got one. I suspected my parents were a little out of touch with the cabbage patch scene. I was glad though because my friends who had them were so obsessed with caring for their preemies their lives fell apart. First, it was the endless boring conversations at lunch, "My preemie this, my preemie that." Next, their grades started slipping. Ultimately, you never saw your friend again. It wasn't until, out of curiosity, I read the side of my dad's pack of Camels that I realized a bigger issue was at stake.

"Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking By Pregnant Women May Result in Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight." (No wonder it's called, "Being on the patch.") I was so confused. I thought that preemies were desirable, so why was this doctor army "warning" pregnant women. Wouldn't you want your baby to be cute? It was explained to me later that premature birth was not good. My world was then turned upside down. I decided to further investigate this whole cabbage patch operation. What was this Mr.X up to? He obviously had been lying about the cabbage patch. I may have been young, but I certainly wasn't born yesterday. Babies aren't grown in fields.

If I had a choice I would have cut up Sue first, but she was long gone by then. Tyler had to be sacrificed. It's still hard for me to talk about. What I found, wasn't cute. Tyler wasn't put together very well. Just six knots of thread located on the elbows, knees, upper thigh and buttocks. All the rest was stuffing. What were my parents paying for? I talked to the other kids at school. I tried to explain to them that premature birth is caused by smoking and not by an early harvest. I also told them that the C.P.K.'s were actually just cheaply put together dolls taken from mother's who smoked cigarettes. My friends all knew about the discipline problems I had with Sue and how it would make sense that this was because her mom was a smoker, but they refused to believe me. The C.P.K.'s had brain washed them. I was too late. I hadn't given up, I just needed more proof.

I spent over a month watching C.P.K. commercials only to find out that the people in the commercials were actors, not real people. I followed the C.P.K.'s in the news. On the surface it all looked very impressive, everyone wanted them. In 1985, one C.P.K. by the name of, Christopher Xavier, became the first of his kind to travel into space! I thought to myself, "This is getting out of hand."

In conclusion, I came to understand that C.P.K.'s themselves were not real, pretend. It was their concept that was reality. They were more than just dolls, they were examples of us: homeless and desperate for love, validated by their looks and material possessions. Birth certificates with trendy names verify their existence. Raised by children who are lead by a society promoting cyclical development, like for instance; creating a doll that makes sickness seem appealing.

And what did my parents say when they were me:
"You may say that I'm a dreamer.
But I'm not the only one."

Friday, February 29, 2008

Elizabeth Bathory:The Blood Countess

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I enjoy reading horrible books. Very badly written books. I'm not alone. Anything to do with vampires, people who morph into animals, sex, murder, pregnancy and the south - I'm in. The trick to reading them is to pretend you are on a date and you just want to have sex. Like when the person is talking about their dull life, they're just so uninteresting, you nod and smile and just hope that their penis is really big or if you're into girls, just hope she doesn't have too much cellulite on her ass, that really grosses you out.
The good parts. Once you get to the good parts, take your time. Read over your favorite paragraphs. Don't be shy. This is what you came for, enjoy it.
As far as character development goes, don't feel bad about not investing too much. Just pick one and stick with that, it's enough. A good bad writer knows this and probably overdeveloped one character to a point where you can't even pay attention to the other characters. When they talk, you're like, "Wait. What was that? I really shouldn't be drunk while I'm reading this."
The plot. In order to follow a very badly written plot, keep in mind, self indulgence will lead you nowhere. Sure, the plot is what keeps you reading, but don't expect any results. In the end it will only disappoint you. Once you finish reading a bad book you must wait at least 30 days reading something useful before you start another. It might make you sick to read two bad books back to back! If you turn reading into a mindless, shallow act it will undoubtedly become less fulfilling. Eventually, you won't even remember the last book you read! Books will begin to all look the same to you, just a fuzzy merging of titles and cheap illustrations. Obviously, I speak from personal experience and I feel fortunate none of the authors have my phone number.
Lastly, please remember to wear a condom. You don't want to get any sexually transmitted denouements!

Excerpt from good bad book I'm reading now:

Elizabeth Bathory: The Blood Countess
"Slipping swiftly behind her like a knife blade into a deerskin sheath, the puppeteer said,"Your devoted slave is here, Countess." Without speaking a word, Johannes, still holding her hand, bent over the outer rim of the fountain. He wore a short tunic that barely covered his behind, and velvet leggings just like Elizabeth's. The Gypsy pulled these down, revealing the boy's white buttocks. He then undid his cloak and guided something that looked to Elizabeth like a small roast between Johannes's buttocks. She was still holding Johannes's hand when he tightened it over hers so hard she thought it would break. She reached for the Gypsy's round flesh with her other hand. It was warm, covered with fine velvety skin, finer than the texture of her tights. She parted the slit at the top of it, and a drop of thick, slippery substance met her finger. She rubbed it between thumb and forefinger. She then felt under Johannes's robe and drew the tip of her wet finger around the tiny puckered flower at the center of his buttocks. She then guided the Gypsy's manhood to the place and held on to it until it slipped between her fingers and buried itself into the boy. The sensation of touching the two boys made Elizabeth very warm, as if a small flame, beginning at the center of her spine, had shut suddenly upward, filling her brain. Her mouth was dry, and her boyish tights clung to her legs with her own wetness. At the center of this delicious sensation there was also a thought: if this is what I can make happen because I am Countess Bathory, think of all that I may experience in the future. I am only eleven years old now, and I know very little about pleasure."

Your welcome. I read this last night in my bedroom, with the lights on!
Elizabeth Bathory is a bad ass, literately.

Friday, February 15, 2008

How to Skip Church by Beth Heinly (F-)

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1. When leaving the house say good bye to parents. Do not look
them in eye, they might know what you're up to.

2. Walk in the general direction of church.

3. While walking to church, think of areas around church you could hide out for an hour.
Somewhere safe and secluded where no adults would be suspicious of your activity.
ie: park, train tracks, parking lot

4. Make sure you bring a book to read or if you were unable to smuggle one out of the house
try to think of things you can day dream about for an hour. Preferably, for day dreaming, go
to a park with streams of water. You can stare at streams of water and throw rocks into them.

5. Approximately 45 minutes into your hiding, you need to head back to the church.

6. Sneak in quietly. If you made it back at the perfect time there will be music and people
rushing out. If not, I suggest waiting out front until you hear this. This distraction is vital.

7. By the door there will be pamphlets covered in advertisements for local businesses. This may
seem insignificant to you, but it is your alibi. Grab one!

8. On your walk home try to think of masses you went to before. Remember the homily? This
is something your parents will ask you about as you hand them the pamphlet.

9. For those of you who are stumped and can not make up a gospel. Use this one, it works
every time. And remember these key words, "New Testament". THE HOMILY IS ALWAYS
FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT. Knowing this fact will avoid any further interrogation no
matter what bullshit story you make up from the bible. AND here is my favorite I use:
"From the book of John. 'Jesus is the light and the grass and the streams. He is everywhere
all around us. So, there's really no need to go to church. Those who truly live through me
are conscious everyday and could die at any moment.' Amen."
*But I would only use this one for your last day at church.

10. If by some chance you chicken out, do not sit down. Stand in the back the entire time.
Try to walk in and out during mass. Their are usually rooms with pamphlets and candles.
The pamphlets are humorous reading, very entertaining. The candles are pretty to look
at. While looking at them, make up stories like, "How to Make a Saint With Fake Miracles".

11. If approached by a priest complaining about, "How you're not sitting down and you keep
walking in and out of church during mass." Just tell him, "Jesus doesn't want you to be
sitting down. And he wants you to come and go as you please." If he says, "I don't believe
you.", say,"I completely understand how you feel."
*But I would only use this one for your last day at church.

12. Lastly, the most important thing you need to know about, "How to Skip Church" is:
For the rest of your life, always remember, "You're going to hell."

Monday, February 11, 2008

Who's the Boss?

"Time has nothing to do with life, but it's full of it." This ran through my head while watching "Who's the Boss?". A show I had no idea I watched so much of until on a quest for nostalgia I sat on the couch and turned on the T.V.
In a flash, the entire "Who's the Boss?" synopsis came back to me. It hit me, I watched "Who's the Boss?" when I was little, a lot. Angela and Tony are two extremely attractive people that seem, if the opportunity arose, would have the worst sex in the history of time. So, they never have sex and when they finally do, their show gets canceled, the world ends. I remember, it was 1992 and I was eleven, "What the Fuck?". Of course, the lines of time are somewhat construed because of syndication, but I know in high school and my later years in grade school, my nightly time slots were taken by "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" and "Dawson's Creek", that's right. So here I am at 26 and I had no idea my brain was full of all this worthless information about "Who's the Boss?". That's when that thought about time rang in my ear. While I was busy being middle class (white trash) watching television I could have been reading. I could have been playing. I feel dumb. I feel stupid. How the fuck do I know so much about "Who's the Boss?"? There's cartoons there too. Growing Pains, Facts of Life. And Full House. Are you kidding? That house was huge. They had plants in their hallway. I even watched "The Andy Griffith Show" because I watched Nickelodeon, which lead to Nick at Nite. That's two mother fucking abbreviated words. "Talk about your double speak." When I die, one of the last electric pulses released into nothing will be a snippet of a Tony and Angela make-out scene mixed in with Angela's mom, Mona and her old lady boobs, gross. Though I really hope Babar is there, what a nice elephant.
And now in my disgusted and depressed state I am writing a "blog". I've planned to end with, read a book, but FUCK. FUCK. This is not some random old person year, 1912. This is 2008, mother fuckers. This subject is as tired as 1912, fuck that. We are all just animals being molded by each other in some dim fate that some are born into power and some are not. Read a book.
I saw a pro-life bumper sticker: "Life is a gift, not a choice." It's funny because, wow, life is not a choice and time is money and knowledge is power.


Genius.

"Last Thought"
Who is the boss?

Saturday, January 19, 2008

AOA

A.O.A. stands for Accent on Animals. A pet store where I buy cat food and kitty litter that's made from recycled newspaper, the kitty litter. I have no idea what's in the cat food. There's an old man who works there that I like enough to feel guilty calling him an old man. He tells me about the weather while waiting for my debit card to be approved. Moments that always seem longer than they should, waiting to be accepted. Calmly, waiting, the old man tells me what the weather will be like and he never picks the same day. Sometimes it's tomorrow or Tuesday. Sometimes as far as into the following week, but he never says if it's good or bad weather, which is nice. Last Wednesday I went to A.O.A. and the old man met me at the counter, swiped my card and looked down at me. He told me it was supposed to sleet and snow later in the day. And I looked up at him and said, "No, it's not. That was yesterday."

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Pine Cones

We live in a cuntry where at least 3 times a year you will see a glass bowl full of pine cones. The thrift store. It's a process, it takes time. Rummaging though isles and isles of junk. So much you have to squeeze and push just to pull an item out for inspection, but why pay full price for something you'll be tired of a year from now. Why pay when you can't. Sweaters. Around the corner there's an old lady by the shower curtains trying on red pumps. Shopping carts, we are all smushed together, excuse me, excuse me. I found two good sweaters. I try to look for the most ridiculous ones and then I scale down to normal from there to look like everyone else who wants to look like me, sections. While I'm classifying sweaters I swear to myself. A t-shirt. Now this is complicated. The good ones are usually found in the long sleeve/blouse isle. I am certain the employees of the thrift store do this on purpose. I can hear them disliking me in spanish. I found one in between two sweaters and I look up to see one short, tan woman smirking at me, she knows she hid it. Ha ha, I found it. A faded Bambi t-shirt. Bambi in the fog. It is Disney and I am against Disney. I also hate people who like Bambi, but this is a thrift store, I have to admit a descent find and it's $1.95, large. I always feel fat. Fuck. Well, the color's good and you can really hardly even see Bambi, so. Eagles t-shirts, bad season. Pink nylon frilly thing, a year earlier there's a woman purchasing this shirt going, "Why am I buying this?" or maybe it was a man learning how to be a woman and he didn't know. Somewhere at Target there's a person whose job it is market to these two distinct demographics. Shoes. You know you've been in the game long when buying used shoes has somehow made cents to you. I want velcro sneakers because it reminds me of retarded people or mentally ill adults. There's one on my bus route, mentally ill adult, and he always steps on his own feet, like on purpose. I think it's so cute, I want velcro sneakers! If I think about them long enough and hard enough I will find them. Still a Virgin! (this is an old t-shirt) Hawaii Actively Single Lucky Charms Hollister 22. I bent down to pick up a shirt that had fallen and found someone had drawn hearts on the floor. Fucking life is so gay.

Monday, January 7, 2008

.00less

I have three ways in which I would like to introduce myself. First, breakfast.
I take a total of four vitamins a day. Vitamin B-12 for my mood swings. Another vitamin B supplement called Bioitin that’s good for my skin and teeth, vitamin D for healthy bones and a strong immune system. Finally, Black Cohosh, which is also for mood swings, for post-menopausal women. I just figured, why not. And now, cigarette. Sweet, sweet first cigarette. That’s nice. Coffee too. Mm. Mm. Mm. I love coffee. And a bagel. Yummy.

Public Transportation. You never know what could happen. Or what smell will finally be the worst smell. Bum picking dead skin off his feet while eating a soft pretzel. Piss. Or what you might see if you actually look. Black man exposing his penis. Wow. I once asked one of the workers what the worst thing they saw was and the worker looked away for a second. Taking his time for me. “Probably dead people.” Jesus Jumpin.

I want to put the American flag on my floor and then cover it with catnip. Set up a video camera and film my cats rubbing, licking, and humping the American flag.

I think I'm going to die at 11:53. I have no idea if it's a.m. or p.m. Welcome to the 3:oo book.