How to Skip Church by Beth Heinly (F-)

1. When leaving the house say good bye to parents. Do not look
them in eye, they might know what you're up to.

2. Walk in the general direction of church.

3. While walking to church, think of areas around church you could hide out for an hour.
Somewhere safe and secluded where no adults would be suspicious of your activity.
ie: park, train tracks, parking lot

4. Make sure you bring a book to read or if you were unable to smuggle one out of the house
try to think of things you can day dream about for an hour. Preferably, for day dreaming, go
to a park with streams of water. You can stare at streams of water and throw rocks into them.

5. Approximately 45 minutes into your hiding, you need to head back to the church.

6. Sneak in quietly. If you made it back at the perfect time there will be music and people
rushing out. If not, I suggest waiting out front until you hear this. This distraction is vital.

7. By the door there will be pamphlets covered in advertisements for local businesses. This may
seem insignificant to you, but it is your alibi. Grab one!

8. On your walk home try to think of masses you went to before. Remember the homily? This
is something your parents will ask you about as you hand them the pamphlet.

9. For those of you who are stumped and can not make up a gospel. Use this one, it works
every time. And remember these key words, "New Testament". THE HOMILY IS ALWAYS
FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT. Knowing this fact will avoid any further interrogation no
matter what bullshit story you make up from the bible. AND here is my favorite I use:
"From the book of John. 'Jesus is the light and the grass and the streams. He is everywhere
all around us. So, there's really no need to go to church. Those who truly live through me
are conscious everyday and could die at any moment.' Amen."
*But I would only use this one for your last day at church.

10. If by some chance you chicken out, do not sit down. Stand in the back the entire time.
Try to walk in and out during mass. Their are usually rooms with pamphlets and candles.
The pamphlets are humorous reading, very entertaining. The candles are pretty to look
at. While looking at them, make up stories like, "How to Make a Saint With Fake Miracles".

11. If approached by a priest complaining about, "How you're not sitting down and you keep
walking in and out of church during mass." Just tell him, "Jesus doesn't want you to be
sitting down. And he wants you to come and go as you please." If he says, "I don't believe
you.", say,"I completely understand how you feel."
*But I would only use this one for your last day at church.

12. Lastly, the most important thing you need to know about, "How to Skip Church" is:
For the rest of your life, always remember, "You're going to hell."

Who's the Boss?

"Time has nothing to do with life, but it's full of it." This ran through my head while watching "Who's the Boss?". A show I had no idea I watched so much of until on a quest for nostalgia I sat on the couch and turned on the T.V.
In a flash, the entire "Who's the Boss?" synopsis came back to me. It hit me, I watched "Who's the Boss?" when I was little, a lot. Angela and Tony are two extremely attractive people that seem, if the opportunity arose, would have the worst sex in the history of time. So, they never have sex and when they finally do, their show gets canceled, the world ends. I remember, it was 1992 and I was eleven, "What the Fuck?". Of course, the lines of time are somewhat construed because of syndication, but I know in high school and my later years in grade school, my nightly time slots were taken by "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" and "Dawson's Creek", that's right. So here I am at 26 and I had no idea my brain was full of all this worthless information about "Who's the Boss?". That's when that thought about time rang in my ear. While I was busy being middle class (white trash) watching television I could have been reading. I could have been playing. I feel dumb. I feel stupid. How the fuck do I know so much about "Who's the Boss?"? There's cartoons there too. Growing Pains, Facts of Life. And Full House. Are you kidding? That house was huge. They had plants in their hallway. I even watched "The Andy Griffith Show" because I watched Nickelodeon, which lead to Nick at Nite. That's two mother fucking abbreviated words. "Talk about your double speak." When I die, one of the last electric pulses released into nothing will be a snippet of a Tony and Angela make-out scene mixed in with Angela's mom, Mona and her old lady boobs, gross. Though I really hope Babar is there, what a nice elephant.
And now in my disgusted and depressed state I am writing a "blog". I've planned to end with, read a book, but FUCK. FUCK. This is not some random old person year, 1912. This is 2008, mother fuckers. This subject is as tired as 1912, fuck that. We are all just animals being molded by each other in some dim fate that some are born into power and some are not. Read a book.
I saw a pro-life bumper sticker: "Life is a gift, not a choice." It's funny because, wow, life is not a choice and time is money and knowledge is power.


Genius.

"Last Thought"
Who is the boss?

AOA

A.O.A. stands for Accent on Animals. A pet store where I buy cat food and kitty litter that's made from recycled newspaper, the kitty litter. I have no idea what's in the cat food. There's an old man who works there that I like enough to feel guilty calling him an old man. He tells me about the weather while waiting for my debit card to be approved. Moments that always seem longer than they should, waiting to be accepted. Calmly, waiting, the old man tells me what the weather will be like and he never picks the same day. Sometimes it's tomorrow or Tuesday. Sometimes as far as into the following week, but he never says if it's good or bad weather, which is nice. Last Wednesday I went to A.O.A. and the old man met me at the counter, swiped my card and looked down at me. He told me it was supposed to sleet and snow later in the day. And I looked up at him and said, "No, it's not. That was yesterday."

.00less

I have three ways in which I would like to introduce myself. First, breakfast.
I take a total of four vitamins a day. Vitamin B-12 for my mood swings. Another vitamin B supplement called Bioitin that’s good for my skin and teeth, vitamin D for healthy bones and a strong immune system. Finally, Black Cohosh, which is also for mood swings, for post-menopausal women. I just figured, why not. And now, cigarette. Sweet, sweet first cigarette. That’s nice. Coffee too. Mm. Mm. Mm. I love coffee. And a bagel. Yummy.

Public Transportation. You never know what could happen. Or what smell will finally be the worst smell. Bum picking dead skin off his feet while eating a soft pretzel. Piss. Or what you might see if you actually look. Black man exposing his penis. Wow. I once asked one of the workers what the worst thing they saw was and the worker looked away for a second. Taking his time for me. “Probably dead people.” Jesus Jumpin.

I want to put the American flag on my floor and then cover it with catnip. Set up a video camera and film my cats rubbing, licking, and humping the American flag.

I think I'm going to die at 11:53. I have no idea if it's a.m. or p.m. Welcome to the 3:oo book.